last blog of 2019

Trying to think what to call this blog posting, farewell 2019 – hello 2020.

Yuma home: All the space is now mine. I’ve moved over/expanded into his closet area. Feels strange but nice having the room. Same thing in the bathroom, my stuff is now laid out, easy to access except for what will in the cupboard all neatly put away. His gloves and one of the caps I crocheted for his cold bald head are still on his side of the bed. Because he is not gone, he is just “Away”. That’s the title of one of James Whitcomb Riley’s poems (my father’s name sake). First couple of lines:

I cannot say, and I will not say
That he is dead- . He is just away!

With a cheery smile, and a wave of the hand
He has wandered into an unknown land, ...

Speaking of sleeping – it’s ironic that I only spent a night or two alone in our nearly 40 years together. Well, until this last year when I’ve spent several nights alone when he had gone to ER on several occasions and been admitted into the hospital

Thinking about making a quilt from shirts and t shirts. Especially the t shirts with logos and locations on them. I’m not a quilter but the idea appeals to me. I’ll have to see how many t shirts I’ve not gotten rid of yet.  I’m also sleeping in David’s t shirts – he had a lot because after chemo he would sweat at night and needed clean dry shirts to put on. So I’ve selected a couple of the really soft ones that I will now claim as mine but know that they were his.

Rings: back about 30 some years ago, not yet married; we were working in the yard one day. I found a gold wedding band. It fit my ring finger perfect. I cleaned it up and kept it. Not really thinking I’d wear it one day. When we finally did decide to get married it was spur of the moment. We went shopping for rings and found one for David but nothing fit me and we didn’t have time to wait for ring sizing. I knew I still had the “found” ring and was happy to use that. To make the rings special for our one year anniversary we got them engraved with our initials and the date. D.A.M.A. 12/31/88

Forward to late 2005: Panama canal cruise. It was an outing with our RV club. We didn’t realize at the time but David had undiagnosed diabetes; lost weight due to high blood sugar levels. You may see where this is going; lost wedding ring while snorkeling with the sting rays. That night at dinner, table for 10 (best table mates ever!). I said why don’t you tell them what you did today dear. He did. Then suddenly we were hearing 4 other stories of lost wedding rings. Every couple at the table. It was hilarious although some might have been holding onto a tiny bit of anger still. (not me). That was a wonderful cruise and every night was great fun with that group.

Wanting to replace our bands we gathered up our gold jewelry, including my wedding band and had it all melted down to create two new gold wedding bands for us. Those have been worn and not lost. Which is a bit surprising because with all the weight David lost due to chemo/cancer, his ring never came off, until I removed it. I’m sure it’s special that it didn’t fall off.

I’m going to wear David’s ring on my middle finger (not as a statement, it fits), And I think I’ll have it engraved with our initials and wedding date because we never got around to engraving our second set of rings. I’ll do something with my ring to wear but not as a ring. I have a couple ideas. That’s the thought for now, which is subject to change.

Continuing to move forward: Today I got my own credit card. Apparently, even tho I paid the bills and managed the accounts, I’m not the primary. The minute I went to the bank and informed them; zap went the cards. At least it was quick and easy and I should have my new card in 5-6 days. Then I went to Verizon because, yep, I’m not the primary on that account either. Thank goodness some time back I authorized myself to be “on the account”. I have to find an authorized store; take a death certificate to get that all changed over. Alert here – people if you are a couple and not the primary hope you know the passwords and pins and maiden names!

I’ll be getting together with a small group of friends and saying goodbye to 2019 and hello to 2020. Happy New Year.

crying over spilt milk...

Food and meals have been an issue since this pc (pancreatic cancer) ordeal (disease and treatment) began. Many of you will recall that David was our chef and I was the bottle washer. Gradually through this I became the chief cook and bottle washer. My cooking, meal planning, shopping never got up to David’s level. These steps were made more difficult as the chemo altered David’s taste buds and then his desire to eat at all. Probably a combination of the chemo and the cancer. I got more and more creative as time went on. I might stumble across a meal or food choice that David enjoyed, was able to tolerate. So I would excitedly stock up and almost immediately, it seems, that was off the menu. Grocery shopping was done as needed. Odd items began to appear on the list, anything to entice David to eat. Almost got a routine down when, along comes a new chemo treatment side effect: painful pins and needle sensation to eat or touch anything cold; diarrhea too which caused milk products to be taken off the menu. Finding protein drinks, non milk was a challenge. I’m telling you all this because what this has left in the pantry is an interesting assortment of food. Items bought special for David, items that David has always preferred, items for David to meet unique needs. I have given away unopened food stuff.

Using up these remaining items gives me the most bizarre feeling. It almost feels wrong to be eating David’s food, other times, sad to be eating his food. Ok it’s not really “his” food but I think of it that way. Some of it, I would have bought and eaten for myself, some not. It’s just weird the feelings, emotions and thoughts in my head on a daily, minute by minute basis. Nobody enlightened me about this aspect. I gotta eat, gotta shop, gotta “cook”; not my wheelhouse just another process to take on in my new world, new tasks.

Here’s another unexpected experience, watching TV. Almost the same as the weird food idea is TV shows that are on the DVR now, that I will never watch but can’t bring myself to delete and the joint TV shows that I keep thinking I need to wait for David before I watch the next episode. Like the reality show, Survivor. Maybe you didn’t watch it or even know what it is but we saw the very first season together and continued to watch – 20 years! I know it’s 20 years because it began the year we went full time RVing. And there were a few Wednesday nights when we had to be parked in a certain place and time so we could watch the show. There was even one incidence of a near incidence when we had a little trouble taking over the TV lounge in the RV park – the card players felt the TV sound was interfering with their loud gaming shouts.

Last night was this seasons final Survivor – who would be the lone survivor and win one million dollars. No matter what you think of TV and reality shows, I was not looking forward to watching this show alone. And I didn’t have to. Our niece and her family are also Survivor fans and we have discussed the show and contestants occasionally. What a real delight to be able to join them at their house for dinner and the show. Dinner was delicious (and a real balanced meal, unlike what I’ve been throwing together lately); company and viewing could not have been any better. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Baby steps will continue as I head over to Yuma. As I move forward in this time after David, I feel a part of me is gone forever, but an even bigger part of the me goes on; that part came about because of the us we were together. Thanks David for who I am today.

Knock on the door...

The knock on the door has come, paperwork and ashes. The stab to my heart comes again. My new world begins in earnest.

Days ago: I’m still waiting on the death certificate and ashes which means I haven’t begun the real process of paperwork and reality. Already discovered I, who am organized and thought we discussed everything turns out to not be so. Information you need for death certificate: Full name of deceased; parents’ names; mother’s maiden name; places of birth; date of birth for deceased; ss #. Make sure your name is on all accounts; authorized to speak with and make changes to accounts. Several transactions and apps are only available on David’s phone and I’m not ready to handle that.

I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity to practice various ventures voluntary before it became mandatory. Here’s a suggestion, if there is a task you don’t normally do now because your partner does it, give it a try. And if you’re a solo, you already got it down, good for you.

The chemo effected taste buds. David had stopped drinking coffee, so no missing the habit of taking him his morning cup in bed. In fact, I’m supposed to buy myself a keurig (individual) coffee maker rather than making full pots of coffee. A suggestion I haven’t gotten around to yet.

He encouraged me to go out without him, either he stayed in bed watching tv or had a friend sit with him and they indulged in movies. Either way, it has made the transition easier, I’ve already walked into rooms/parties, etc. without him by my side.

Walking the mall. Oh, the mall, my parents walked there on a regular basis, after my dad died, my mom continued to walk the mall and even had a group of mall walkers. David and I continued the tradition. And there was even the time of me walking, pushing David and then finally, me walking alone. But again, David encouraged me to go walk and shop while he stayed home (or was in the hospital). So, while it is sad to enter the mall alone, it’s not a brand-new experience. I do notice the changes and think I must tell David about this new shop or that the mini donut place has finally opened.

I will not memorialize the date of David’s death; I will remember the days he lived. He lived them well and he will continue to live on in the hearts and memories of those he met along the way, trudging the road of happy destiny.