Believe it or not,
I am still dealing with name
changes and legal documents. I had to once again send along a Death certificate,
which brought up the following:
He is gone, and I am here. So I
am wondering now to myself, where is my "Certificate of Life"? Where
is the form that gives me the permission, the courage, the energy and the will
to keep on living through such pain and fear and guilt and worry and second
guessing and longing and regret and remembering and losing and
struggling? Where is MY certificate? I think it might be a good
idea to have those. I think I will make one for myself. And it will say
something like this:
Certificate of Life:
This certificate is hereby given
to you in recognition of the continuance of your life without your husband. It
happened this day, this hour, this minute, this place, etc. You did not
die with him although at times you will feel you have. You are certified as
living. This means that you will most likely endure a great deal of pain from
this loss, because you are alive. You are certified as living, and therefore,
you will have to find a way to accept this state of life, and to continue on
living, because, you are indeed, alive.
This certificate of life also entitles you to treat yourself as living, meaning to participate in life (to the best of your ability) as much as possible given the circumstances surrounding your present state of living. It also certifies that since you are living, you deserve all the good things that life has to offer (as soon as you are ready to accept them) because, you are in fact, alive. You are entitled breathe, cry, scream, sulk, yell, work, eat, play, sing, dance, sleep, smile, laugh and dream. You may participate in anything you wish that life has to offer because, you are alive.
Be sure to show this certificate
to anyone who questions your behavior and be sure to look at it yourself as
well - to remind yourself that you are ALIVE.
I think I will print my
certificate on some very fancy paper, and frame it and put it up on the wall
next to the pictures of David and I - because I need reminding.
This is very fitting for me just
extremely difficult to put into practice. Especially with the limitations due
to Covid 19. I stole this from someone else. Feel free to steal this from me.
And maybe no matter your situation; put into practice.
I am in my gathering phase.
That’s gathering “this n that” to put in my go to Yuma pile. I plan to be there
by Halloween at the latest and stay until April. That’s the plan which is
always subject to change. I’ve been through the holidays without David, but it
was such a blur that I imagine I’ll notice his absence this season. Another
reason for my certificate of life. I’m looking for ways to reach out to others,
keeping myself occupied with giving and not focused so much on what I don’t
have. Rather what I have and can give/do since cruises on ships are not a
current option!
Barb, my sister, and I getting out for shopping and lunch.
Thanks for reading. I haven’t
posted in some time and may not again or for a while.
